What is a Soirée?

Dining together is the fundamental act of community.

When we approach food with a utilitarian mindset, we desacralize it. We begin to profane it, and cease to cringe at its abuse.

The Soirée is a designed experience whose purpose is to slow us down, and reteach us how to be human together at a table. It draws from many old world traditions, but primarily from the supra and keipi of the Republic of Georgia in Eastern Europe. We aim to host at least one a month in each chapter able to do so.

Before we dive into what these are and how they work, here are a few quick facts to help you prep for your next one, if you're in a hurry (the rest will be explained at the event as well):

• Attire: Semi-formal evening attire (i.e. more formal than usual for a dinner, but not black tie unless otherwise stated). A suit coat and button-up shirt for gentlemen, and a tea-length or floor-length gown for ladies, is appropriate. Jeans are not.
• Cost: When there is a plate cost indicated for a Soirée, that is the average donation needed to cover the costs incurred by the host. You may donate directly to the host via cash or whatever means is indicated as convenient by them. Drink costs are typically covered by the attendees themselves.
• If it is listed as a "Potluck Soirée" you will be expected to bring your own food (feel free to also bring some to share).
• People often ask if they need to stay the full scheduled time (typically three hours). The Soirée experience is one where we enter a state of timelessness, which means it's not uncommon for five hours to fly away at the table. People start to drift away around halfway through, though, so don't be afraid to head out before it "ends" (just not before the Toast to the Departed). That said, this is the opposite of fast food, so plan to take your time and relish the haven from the everyday hustle and bustle.
• Introductions: A key rule which significantly impacts the encounter between participants is that each person should refrain from asking “what do you do?” or other occupation-related questions of each other. Also, restrain yourself from introducing yourself through your vocational identity if possible. As the Soirée winds down, rules are relaxed and everyone is free to discuss each other’s occupations, but until then, explore getting to know each other in other ways.

This immersive experiential dining event is a living tradition, which means each one is a unique encounter. It is best learned hand-to-hand by attending, observing, and imitating. By doing so, you bring your own unique personhood into the flow of the culture, without artificial constraints imposed by excessive rules and policies. That said, there are certain patterns which are essential to conserve and which hold the authenticity of the experience together. We have done significant experimentation and testing to discern which elements are essential, and which are most adaptable to the situation. We ask that as you attend Soirées, you honor the other attendees and yourself by honoring the tradition’s strictures.

At the same time, the art of the Soirée is a skill which is learned. We are all learning the etiquette of the Soirée together, so there will be many blunders as we fail our way to excellence. We believe the essential pillars of true etiquette are Elegance, Discretion, and Order, and that true etiquette is the ordering of common behavior within community to beautifully facilitate connection and a focus on the noblest parts of our authentic selves. We are here to aid each other in replacing shame with honor, rather than mar dignity with contempt.

In short, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. We’re here to learn together.

The following guidelines will assist you in entering the flow of the Art of the Table. Additional details will be included with each Soirée’s invitation, and you will always be welcome to contact the facilitator with any questions, but these will be generally applicable unless explicitly stated otherwise.

The Tamada

At every Soirée there will be a Tamada, who presides over and facilitates the table. The Tamada is like the captain of a ship, or like the conductor of an orchestra. They are responsible for the flow of both conversation and toasting; they set the tone for the experience; they craft the community formed at the table into a work of art, drawing each person into unity with each other person.

The Tamada is like the father (or mother) of the table, creating a small family of the attendees. As such, they warrant respect and deference, so they can do their job and gift the attendees with the greatest gift anyone can give: deep community. Help them in their task by keeping an eye on their indicators, like a member of an orchestra keeping an eye on the conductor. Their work is to keep the flow of harmony throughout the table, and they may see a need for you to speak less or more on a particular thread that you may not see.

A Proper Toast

The heart of the Soirée table is the toast. Punctuating the conversation, toasts are gifts to the table. As such, they are elevated in style and content - they bring the best of what we have to offer. They should not elevate the toaster or their ego, to show off their eloquence or erudition, but be to the honor of another. If I toast to my mother, I bring out my best language and most poetic rhetoric to honor her, not myself.

A toast is always for something, and never against something. It should also be something that each person at the table can salute to with honor, touching on what everyone has in common. In this way each toast creates unity, even if the conversation it emerges from touches on points of controversy or conflict.

A toast may continue in a rambling fashion for several minutes, and often does. This is not a faux pas, but a feature. It is perfectly acceptable to continue eating during a toast, though conversation as a whole should pause and attention should remain on the speaker. A toast is not a prepared speech, but a spontaneous gift from the heart. That said, it should have a point, and it should arrive at that point eventually. An ideal toast will announce in its opening the direction it is heading in - putting the listeners’ hearts at ease - and then develop the subject obliquely with stories, anecdotes, jokes, musings, and even song or poetry before arriving at a satisfying conclusion.

Before giving any toast, the Tamada’s permission is always requested first. They may immediately grant permission, calling everyone’s attention to the toast by clinking their glass and calling out, “Attend!” They may also wave off the request, as the time is not right.

No one may ever be forced to give a toast. The Tamada or anyone else at the table may invite someone to give a toast, especially after a particularly excellent bit of conversation. The person thus invited is at perfect liberty to decline, or to request time to gather their thoughts first before then asking to give the requested toast.

The Salute

Saluting to a toast consists of raising one’s honor glass with a cry of, “To you the victory!” (or an appropriate alternative), clinking with at least two others, and taking a drink. Various traditional cries used in the Academy include:

“Tibi Victorium!” (Latin for “To you the victory;” this is the most common choice)

“Gajimarjos!” (Georgian, same meaning)

“Novis Victorium!” (Latin for, “To us the victory”)

“Gaumarjos!” (Georgian, same meaning)

If you feel the toast was especially excellent, or particularly pertinent to you, you may show the depth of honor you wish to give it by draining your glass and commenting on it to someone next to you (called in Georgian a "balumde").

As mentioned, a good toast is designed so that everyone at the table may salute to it with honor. A salute signifies that you join the community at the table in supporting the actions which would naturally flow from the sentiments of the toast. It does not mean you agree completely with everything said, or with the perspective shared. If I toast to my wife and share that I believe she is the greatest woman alive, you may not agree technically with me (after all, your wife is!), but you stand in solidarity with me in the spirit of my toast and support me in my fidelity to my wife, so you salute. Be very hesitant to decline a salute (done by replacing the glass on the table without clinking or drinking), as it indicates that you believe the toaster did not give an honorable toast.

At a Soirée, each place should have both an honor and a common glass. Toasting and saluting is done with one’s honor glass, which should be kept filled with the best drink of your choice. This should ideally be wine, though non-alcoholic wine, kombucha, kefir, and/or juice may be used as alternatives. Water, tea, coffee, or other beverages may be used in the common glass between toasts, with the honor glass reserved exclusively for the toasts. If there is no beverage appropriate to the honor glass remaining available, it is acceptable to toast with one’s common glass, but never toast with an empty glass.

Thematic & Responding Toasts

The basic structure of a Soirée is this: the Tamada offers a toast to a theme; the participants offer toasts to instances or examples of that theme; the Tamada offers a toast to a new theme; the participants respond with toasts relevant to the new theme, and so on with conversation padding the gaps between toasts.

There are typically at least seven and often at least a dozen thematic toasts, with two to five responding toasts per theme. The goal is for the thematic toasts to lay the framework of the house, and for the participants to do the interior decoration with their responses.

The Drinks

For Georgians (and most of the Old World), wine is the blood of the people, and therefore the life of the table. No wine, dead table.

That said, not everyone who attends these dinners is of age, designated drivers are important, and not everyone is in a place where they feel safe drinking. This is why we accommodate and allow for honor glasses to be filled with alternatives to wine.

The goal of a Soirée is not to get drunk. The goal is to create community. In antiquity, wine and community were synonymous, but not drunkenness. Nowadays (and in particular in America) we associate drinking with alcoholism and abuse. What we have learned and observed is that the structure of the Soirée acts to counter the tendency to drunkenness, preserving a sobriety of behavior far beyond what people might experience drinking alone.

We believe that demonizing drink is not the answer to alcoholism or abuse, but rather a restoration of drinking to its rightful sacred place as the facilitator of unity and trust.

So don't be afraid of the wine: lean into it and find freedom in a new depth of community.

Other Points of Etiquette

There is one special kind of thematic toast which is at every Soirée and without which the tradition is not complete: the Toast to the Departed. It is typically the fifth toast, but may be done at the third in some circumstances, and it is a grave faux pas to leave before it is given. (If you need to leave early, let the Tamada know, and they can either try to arrange to get to this toast before you need to depart, or excuse your early departure.)

Never fill your own honor glass - ask someone next to you to do it for you. Beverages should be poured with the right hand.

It is preferable to stand when delivering a toast, but is not required for quick or casual ones.

If a spontaneous toast is raised and you are caught without a glass or drink, you may raise your hand as if holding a glass by the stem, “clink” with your knuckles, and “drink” to it by kissing your fingers. This is known as a dry toast and is not uncommon outside of Soirée settings, among Academians.

If the Tamada is doing their job, the table should have opportunities to "breathe" between toasts, allowing for conversation sparked by the toasts to flourish. Not everything needs to be a toast. That said, the best conversations are explorations of the toasts, so don't be shy to chat with those next to you.

Where Else Can We Find This Tradition?

We learned the tradition of the Georgian supra from the First Things Foundation and our founder was trained in the practice at one of their Art of Tamada events. They run a restaurant in Greenville, South Carolina, which hosts these Georgian-style dinners regularly. They are also launching a new endeavor called the Supra Dinner Society. We highly recommend you explore what they have to offer!